Magic

I was going to sit down and write a completely miserable and whiney post as I usually do, lamenting over the pathetic state of my non-existent love life. Then I remembered: I don't give a damn! Haha, silly me. Old habits die hard, I guess.

I've been on a mission for the past few weeks. Literally, since I joined the gym. I go almost every other day, and I work out. It's completely unattractive and I sweat like no one's business, but I, again, don't give a damn. I'm determined to lose all my extra weight (already am down a kilo), and become the hottest creature in the world. I will also be ruthless- and crush men's dream until I am finally satisfied. There are various aspects to my plan:

1. Minimize my calorie intake, and just eat better in general. More veggies!
2. Work out regularly.
3. Continue in idolizing Cristina Hendricks.
4. That includes my new dye job which will occur upon my arrival at home...
5. Go tanning. But only a little. Just so my tummy isn't so pasty pale.
6. Buy clothes that really suit me.

Yup. It'll take months, and it'll be a real ordeal- but I am determined. I feel like I have something to prove, to many people. I won't elaborate on whom, but there are quite a few individuals. And they're going to EAT THEIR WORDS. Maniacal? Yes, very much so.

"Everyone knows, I've got the magic in me."

byeee!

Forget You

Sometimes, we have to accept reality. Accept things we don't want to believe, even though we secretly know they're true. It's heartbreaking at times, but it's how it must be.

I've got to be honest with myself, and realize the world isn't the beautiful, romantic and hopeful thing I want it to be. Granted, there are things that are those things, but there are also things that aren't. And I need to learn to live with them, and stop defending those people that take advantage of my nature. I need to focus on bettering myself now- the rest of the world needs to wait.

That aside, I've discovered a delightfully easy and new way to make cookies. It's so simple, and the result is absolutely incredible. All you need is sugar, butter, flour and chopped up chocolate. It's the best! All you do is put in the same amount of butter and sugar, then just keep adding little bits of flour until you have a soft dough ball. Then you fold in the chocolate and bake it at around 350 degrees (fahrenheit). Don't worry- I'm going to the gym tomorrow to burn it off!

Now, I've decided to end each post with a quote from a song I'm listening to you that relates to my mood at the moment:

"There's pain in my chest, but I still wish you the best."

so long!

Ticket Outta Loserville

Sigh.

I'm very fed up with certain individuals here. I'm fed up with the fact I can barely trust anyone not to twist my words and start major drama.

So immature. Here I was thinking high school was over. But this time, it's 6 hours and $700 away from home; without my childhood friends to back me up; and on my own. It's the best. I'm a pretty easy target. Too nice (outwardly, anyway); American; have no friends prior to coming to Aberdeen; amongst other things.

I'm tired. I need to go home and re-charge. It's exactly three weeks now until I fly home to New York. I never thought I'd ever miss the USA. EVER. It's funny how much people change. I'm almost hesitant to see my old friends again, but I guess it would be weird if they remained exactly the same. I'm excited. All this stupid drama here can't slow me down. I'm just going to avoid the idiots, and keep on moving.

To the gym, specifically. I'm in love with it. I think because it's so advanced and cool, it just makes me enjoy sweating (gross) and working out (ick). There that, and I'm a bit of a masochist. FEEL THE BURN!

That's about it. g'night!

Won't Go Home Without You

I went to the gym today to do my first official workout. I went on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes at a 5 mile an hour pace the entire time. For a fat slob such as myself, this was absolutely brutal. I was the only one sweating this much, as I think the boys were only there to lift weights, and the girls only seemed to be interested in looking at the boys. And there I was, running away and sweating like a pig. I was an attractive sight, let me tell you!

It's been snowing non-stop here. Well, it stops every few hours, but then it resumes. Now, there's a serious amount of snow everywhere. I really don't feel like walking to campus through Seaton Park... it'll be slippery, and I'll probably fall on my ass. Not fun. Then I'm going to visit a friend at her flat, and I have no idea how I'm going to get there. Or if I can, for that matter. This weather is pretty rough.

I'm exhausted... and I just woke up. I don't really have much else to say, LOL. bye!

coeur du pirate

Confidence: maybe not as strong, but still going. I'm not giving up on it.

I recently joined the local gym. I have my 'induction' tomorrow, where I learn to use all of the really fancy equipment. I'm super excited! I'm really determined to lose some weight before I go home at Christmas. I have lots of people to impress! Granted, since coming here, I haven't gained any weight. But I haven't lost any either. It' just been steady. Which is probably why I've grown to love my body so much.

However, there's always room for improvement. And who can really say no to losing a few pounds when it's really needed? I do need to get in shape, for my health. That, and it gives me something to do. I always have so much spare time at university, and I should actually do something productive with it, right? Right.

I'm so happy right now, for such a pathetic reason. Ha. I'm such a sucker for love. I always have been. I don't know why, when I devote so much time to my 'anti-love' exterior. I'm the Queen of the Saps.

Anyway, need my energy for my gym induction! good night!

Dance to This Beat

It is at roughly 2am that I came to a conclusion about myself:

I am, undoubtedly, one of the most self involved, dramatic, and emotional people that has probably grazed the earth.

Now, some people might view that with a trace of depression and would instantly wonder how they'd gotten to this point in their lives. I, however, have come to a different conclusion. I realize these are my primary faults as a human being. I understand that. They are also parts of my character that I can't change for the life of me. Simply put.

I recall a previous post on this blog about me searching for my confidence. I didn't find it- it found me, as cheesy as that sounds. I'm at this point where I honestly don't care what people think of how I look, or how I behave. I am who I am, and I refuse to be anything different. I suppose that's part of the university experience- you get to "do what you want to do, and fuck the rest" (thank you Dwayne from Little Miss Sunshine). Maybe because I have no one left to impress (I already have my friends- what more do I need?), and because I know I'll be fine. I always am.

So now I am listening to some powerful girl rock, and feeling pretty great. I mean, I don't even care about my stomach anymore- something that drove me crazy for the past four years. I've come to embrace its soft squishiness. It's pretty great. I'm not fat, I never really was, and I can't believe I wasted so much time fretting about it. I think it's the influence of Aberdeen.

All the girls here don't care what you think of them. When they dress to go out, they dress in the shortest skirts possible- regardless of their weight, and they have the time of their lives. And their confidence really works for them. I think what I needed all along was to see confident girls out and about to bring up my own. If they can do it- why can't I? The town where I grew up was filled with clones, if you weren't one, it was quite obvious.

Ever since the beginning of the summer, I've really begun associating myself with people who don't care how much I weigh, how I dress, and all that nonsense. They care about me and my drama and my emotional responses to everything. And those are the kind of people I refuse to let go of. Most of them I've been friends with forever, but only then realized how important they are to me. And there was the one that I think might have started it all.

Oh the wasted years worrying about how I looked and how people perceived me. Now is my time, and I am so excited.

good night!

You Give Me Something

Well, I haven't exactly had the drive to write in here lately. I suppose it's this overwhelming homesickness that's been plaguing me. Granted, I'm honestly trying to get past it, because (let's be real) there's nothing I can do about it, and I'm going home in exactly a month and a day. I just think a combination of the weather and all the essays I've had to write is what's making me emotional.

There's that, and I can't get through a romantic movie without crying like a complete sap. PS I Love You was absolutely brutal, and it wasn't just me crying, either. Maybe I'm coming down with something? Doubt it, but it provides we with a solution.

Baking has also given me something to do. I guess I sound like a complete fatty when I say this, but I love making cakes. It's so fun, and everyone always really enjoys the end product. I guess that's a totally stereotypical house wife way of looking at it? Haha. Maybe I should be at culinary school studying pastry making instead of here, learning about history and archeology to get a job in... what? What can I really do with a history major and an archeology minor? I want to go dig. In China, specifically. I think it would be awesome.

Anyway, we're gearing up for a Harry Potter movie marathon and I'm baking carrot muffins. I hope the recipe I found is good!

Clarity

Honest to God, I'm in feminism mode. In fact, it's not even that I hate all men- I'm just incredibly fed up with them. I have no more patience left. Though, it's really not feminism. It's more independent mode.

Perhaps I just have terrible taste in men (this is a very likely possibility), and always chose the ones who hate/fear me. Or the ones who are constantly on their man period. Honestly- if you don't like me, make it clear. Don't ignore me some days, and be perfectly delightful for the next few. It's not normal, and it's not nice, either. I don't care if you're "shy", you're a twit. And I have no more patience for it.

It doesn't help that I'm growing really homesick and antsy. I think this is due to my growing case of insomnia, which isn't helped by the [insert rude plural noun here] that live on the bottom floor of our building, who believe it is perfectly acceptable to remain quiet until 3am only to ruin everyone else's sleep to play their shit music at full volume. Because of those [insert rude plural noun here], I haven't slept properly in... weeks? Ever? I need a holiday. Or maybe just a night in a hotel. But knowing my luck, I'd end up in a room next to a couple making lots of noise. Yeah. That would totally happen to me.

Teleportation needs to be invented/discovered. ASAP.

au revoir~

R&R

Good God.

Sometimes, I feel like my life is one long string of embarrassments. Granted, I'd only remember said moments because they have marked me profusely. Right now, I'm contemplating how to best proceed. Frankly, all the advice I'm getting is to just face my embarrassing situation head on.

However, that might work for someone far braver than myself. I avoid confrontation, because I'm not very good at thinking on my feet. I always make a fool of myself, even more so because I stutter/mess up my speech when I'm excited or nervous. It's painful to watch, let me tell you. But, obviously, I can't hide forever. Though I'm seriously contemplating... no, that's a lie. I'm not.

Today is just my R&R day. I think I'll go take a shower, then I think I might go do some laundry, then try to change the DVD playing region on my mac. I got a 1950's B/W horror movie and I'm DYING to watch it! Frankly, I find these DVD region things so bothersome, especially because I'm going to be going between two regions on a regular basis. Sigh. Oh my LIFE!

LATER

After my shower, I'm still bothered. But more so because I'm sick, and I don't think there's cough syrup at the Hillhead shop. MY THROAT FUCKING HURTS. I want cough syrup, and I am not in the mood to walk to the Spar shop. I'll wait and see when Barbara gets back from Turkey and see if she wants to come with me.

Feminism? Or Just Bitter?

I hate men. Boys. Young men. Males.

Honestly, how pathetic and selfish can they be? URGH! I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.

I can't even write more than several sentences, because I know if I do, I will launch into a long rant about how much I hate MANkind, and wish they'd all go to Mars or something. Or that I can go to Mars, and live my life in peace.

And I hate when people tell me 'Oh, you're too good for them anyway'. WTF is that supposed to mean? I always hear that- and I'm struggling to actually find someone who is 'good enough' for me, because apparently I have atrocious taste in the opposite gender. I get that to tell someone that they're too 'good' for the person who just shot them down is supposed to comfort them. But does that really change the fact that- oh, you just got shot down by a selfish male in the pursuit of some girl he can never possibly attain? No, it does not.

I need to go back to my feminism/singlehood mode. The mindset where nothing else matters, except having fun and not concerning myself with the stupid and trivial pursuits of the opposite gender. Everything will sort itself out, as it always does. Well, I hope so... anyway.

So self-esteem out the window. I'm at sub-ground zero here, and it's going to be a long process back up. Curses! List to self:

1. Boys are selfish and stupid. I must accept this, and stop hoping for a miracle.
2. Must ignore them. I have better things to do, like attack my GIANT psychology book. I have have two full chapters to read!
3. Become the greatest student that ever lived and put the rest to shame. (Must subsequently fight laziness and sloth-like tendencies).
4. Make baked goods but only give them to my female friends. SUCK ON THAT MOTHA FUCKA! Excuse me for that outburst...
5. Remain cool as a cucumber. Specifically like the one in the fridge that I really need to finish.

OK. I think I can stick to this. And as my flatmate put it: there are other bulls in the pasture. OK, that analogy doesn't exactly make sense out of context. Alas.

Stronger than Yesterday

So I fell in love with the Glee version of 'Stronger' by Britney Spears. The actor who plays Artie has an incredible voice, it kills me that he hardly ever gets the amount of solos he deserves. Same goes for the actor who plays Kurt. Anyway, I've felt myself connecting with the song, since I've been working on building my confidence.

I think it's going well, to be quite honest. I feel like I'm on top of the world! I haven't felt this way since... the early summer? And that was after a long spell of no self-esteem. Regardless, I'm not dwelling on the past. Gotta keep moving.

I think I've become the Martha Stuart of Hillhead Halls. Seriously. I've got one of my Belgian friends requesting that I cook him dinner sometime, and then the flat of boys who I made cookies for are requesting I make them a tart from their Jamie Oliver cook book. I've decided I'll do it, as long as they buy the ingredients.

LATER

So I went to their flat with Amy, because we were bored and had nothing better to do. The recipe sounds pretty easy- I think I can manage it. I was also instructed to watch the movie 300, because apparently I'm not educated enough in movies. It was a pretty good movie, but found it hard to take seriously (specifically with all the one liners).

Anyway, we've planned out our major Halloween bash, along with me coming up with menu ideas for the Thanksgiving feast I want to make. Apparently I should make pumpkin pie, according to the same person who thought I needed to see 300- I informed him that pumpkin pie is a weird color, and I'd rather make apple pie. But I suppose it couldn't hurt to give it a go...

No classes tomorrow- hurray for Wednesdays! We're going into town to look for Halloween decorations and such, because they sell out fast. The theme for the party is the Undead (at my request), but you can be an undead anything. I was thinking of being the Corpse Bride from the Tim Burton movie? I'm excited!

adios!

New Directions

After re-watching the Glee pilot of season 1 with my flatmate, I think I might have the idea of 'New Directions' in my mind. I just feel like, the more time I spend here, the more I feel myself changing. I don't know if this change is positive or not, but I can feel it going on.

In the town I grew up in, I had zero self esteem. If you weren't under a size 2, you pretty much felt like you weren't worth anything. If you were loud and shared your opinions, you were labeled weird. I still have incredibly low self esteem, because I constantly keep doing things that don't really improve it.

However, since I've been here, I've had multiple people remark to me my lack of self esteem. I never really noticed it before, rather, I never knew that other people actually picked up on it. Was it that apparent? Anyway, I've set my sights on something, and I really hope it'll work out. It scares me a bit though, because it'll require lots of self confidence, and setting my priorities straight. It requires me to choose between sticking with the past, or taking a chance on the future. A week ago, I'd say I want to stick with the past. But now? I think I'm running towards the future.

I can think of one person who I know will be upset with me, but frankly, I don't care anymore. This upsurge of esteem won't allow me to hold onto the past any longer. I need to get over it, and go!

Now I shall digress to another subject. The pajama party was madness. Two people ended up ill (one was my flatmate, so our apartment has reeked all weekend- it's much better now, though), and the rest of us (literally, the rest of us) were hopelessly drunk. It was incredibly fun though! I had a great time, and I met all the guys who lived in the flat it was at. Two of them are really good friends with two of my flatmates, so it was really only a matter of time before I met them. And I love those boys- they're so fun! There's the sarcastic/witty/grumpy one, the adorable/nice one, the quirky/funny one, and the Belgian one I knew already (he's great). And then, like us, they have that one flatmate that gets on their nerves- however, theirs is FAR more amusing than ours. He's this hilarious/strange guy from China, who made us an obscene amount of dumplings today, since I made them all cookies. Apparently he used up a kilogram of flour!!

With the boys and some of my flatmates, we went and did Quiz Night at the local pub. We were average the entire way through, until we ended up tying for first near the end! We ended up in second place, but we got a good lot of free drink vouchers which was AWESOME! We only lost my 1 point. Sad face. But I was so proud of myself, since I got the 'water moccasins' question right. At first I was like: Water shoes! Then I remembered someone telling me about a type of snake with that name, so I was like: IT'S A SNAKE! And I was right, and it was great!

Anyway, gotta rest up. I have psychology tomorrow at 11, then archeology directly afterwards and 12. If psychology runs late, I don't know what I'm going to do!

bye bye!

After a Well Needed Nap

God, I just have no patience when I'm tired.

I've been in constant exhaustion mode all day- since I barely ever sleep here. It's ridiculous. I go to sleep around 1-2am (usually in bed by 1am, but can't sleep for another hour), but wake up at 8 or 9. That should be a sufficient amount of sleep, but I'm just beat. I just can't keep up with my flatmates- they're like Energizer Bunnies or something!

We're headed out to the pajama party, and I'm just... sleepy. I don't really have much more to write. LOL. Had the worst shopping trip ever today- we got stuck in an atrocious downpour on our way to Morrison's to buy some food. And HOLY CRAP, my poor flats will never be the same again. They got soaked through and through! It was the worst walking around the store in them.

Urgh! Bye! LOL.

Insomnia

The internet on campus doesn’t seem to want to let me log onto blogger, so I’m just going to type this up as I sit in the Hub. I had Subway for lunch (since there was no point in me going back to Hillhead- I only have an hour off, and it takes 30 minutes to get there), and I’m just sitting here, biding my time. I have Archeology, then Vikings, and then another hour off before I have my first lecture of Ancient European history (yes!).

By turning down the brightness of my mac, and also just running only this Word-type program, I’ve been very efficient at preserving my battery’s life. It keeps fluctuating, but I’m quite positive it’s going to last me these three lectures. And I figure, by this afternoon, there’ll be less people in the Hub, and I’ll be able to get myself near a plug, and just hook it up.

Right now, I’m just incredibly bored. The Hub is only worth going to if you have friends/people to talk to. The only person near me is some guy on his mac (like me), listening to his headphones. Hardly encouraging for conversation, might I just say. I wish I didn’t have so many classes today, else I’d probably go out for a walk in Seaton. It’s gorgeous outside- for a change!

Of course it would be nice, the day I have the most lectures, and rainy/miserable the day before when I had my day off! Just my luck. Alas, apparently, Aberdeen is one of the sunniest places in Scotland, so other places must be REALLY miserable, because it rains all the time here. Though, I mustn’t complain, since I did choose to go here, as opposed to staying home and going to some expensive school in the US where I’d be forced to take ‘core’ classes on subjects I could not care less about (like sciences and math). Thank God I dodged that bullet.

Last night, I came upon a realization that deeply bothered me. Someone, I will not say who, had been going on about something for the longest time, and I had been absolutely sure they were wrong. In every way. Until last night, that is. I was lying in bed, listening to peaceful soundtrack music, in my attempt to fall asleep; when I realized it. They were right. And I was wrong. It's embarrassing to say the least, but... yeah. I hate admitting I'm wrong- blast being so stubborn!

After several drinks at the pub, and around midnight:

I miss the US, specifically when I hear from my friends at home, and when I go to Subway at the Hub. All the cheesy NYC decorations in there make me so homesick, especially when I recognize things. We watched Bridget Jones today, and I got all sad when Darcy flew to NYC, because I knew exactly where he was in JFK. LOL! How sad is that?! Whatever, I have a counter on my dashboard: 2 months, 2 weeks and 5 days until I fly home, and burst into tears at the first sight of my family/friends/pets. Happy tears, of course!

Going to a pajama party tomorrow- and then maybe a pirate one for Surf Club? Maybe? It's going to be... a crazy night. Thank God I don't have classes on Saturday!

Right, must fight my insomnia and go to sleep- hope the stupid boys on the first floor aren't blasting their music again. It's really annoying- at 1am, can you just shut up? PLEASE?!

bisous!

Rain, rain go away!

Honestly, I knew it rained a lot in the UK, but this is a bit much! Out of the near two weeks I've been in Aberdeen, it's rained at least 50% of the time. I guess I'll just have to break in my wellies, then.

Today, I trekked across Seaton Park to the main campus for the Surf Club swim test. I'm so annoyed, LOL. It takes like 30 minutes to get to the pool, and it was in the cold windy rain; got there, got in the pool to swim 50m (two laps) and tread water for a minute. That's it! I did all that God awful walking in the rain for two laps and a minute of treading water. How is that supposed to judge our swimming ability? There's a big difference between that and a wavy ocean! Alas, my lifeguard knowledge is rearing its head once again.

So I had to drop Religious Studies because of the clash, but my flatmate, Amy, said it sucked anyway, so I'm not too bothered. Now I'm taking Psyche, and I really liked the professor. I think he's Canadian. I also loved my Archeology lecture, all the professors seem really enthusiastic. However, my history course on Vikings was awful. Amy and I had it together, and we couldn't get over how bad the professor was. She was boring, spoke with a monotone, and totally geeky! It was painful. And I'd been so excited about that course.

Now I'm curled up in bed, because it's cold and rainy, and now I'm in warm dry clothing. It's great. I watched Dodgeball with Amy last night, and I'd totally forgotten how much I love that movie. It's hilarious! So I'll end with a quote from it:

"No one makes me bleed my own blood!"

Lectures?

So I have my first day of lectures today. I'm missing a religious studies one since it's at the same time as Archeology, but since one of my flatmates is going to religion, I'm just going to get the notes from her. I also have a history one super late (5-6pm!), and I'm not looking forward to walking back in the dark. Obviously, I'm not going through Seaton Park!

I'm so nervous I'm not even hungry, bleh. I really should have some left over soup for lunch, but I really can't stomach it in my current state. I'll just eat when I come back? Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

There's a Rock Gospel rehearsal tonight. But my voice is shit right now, I'm losing it. But I'd really like to join, so I think I'll go. It's about an hour after my last lecture, so I'm not quite sure how I'll pass my time until then, but I will. Walking back to Hillhead is going to be even scarier at nine, though. LOL. I'll just avoid the park.

I watched Pride and Prejudice last night, the newer one. I love it. My favorite scene is the one in the rain when he first confesses to her, and she rejects him. It's SO DRAMATIC! I love it. Right up my alley. I didn't even get emo after watching it! That's the first romantic movie I've managed to watch and not get sad, since I left the US. I'm making progress here! Hurrah!!!

I need to get dressed. I think I'm going to go into campus early, and see if I can finally get my timetable sorted!

Bye bye!

TGIS - Update

Well, I'm going to try and go to bed soon. I'm so lame. It's 9pm. But I have classes tomorrow, and I really need to go get my timetable sorted. Apparently Aberdeen University likes to shut down on Sundays (useless!), so I couldn't get that sorted out.

I did manage to get my sexy dress AND a pair of hot heels at Primark. Yay for cheap clothes! Here's to hoping they last the winter.

Now I'm listening to depressing Lady Gaga songs, and wondering about my first lectures tomorrow. I have Archeology and Foundations of European Culture (I think), but they're like... five hours apart. I'll try to sign up for the gym so I can do something with my life while I wait. There's that, and I seriously need to work out. I've been eating really well recently, I made lots of smoothies and KILLER homemade soup today. Seriously, the soup was banging. BANGING!

I'm going to sign up for the gym now. BYE!

TGIS

Thank God it's Sunday.

Wow. That sounds extremely religious, now that I think about it. Didn't mean it to be. Regardless, after the madness that consisted of Fresher's Week, I'm glad to finally sit down and just breathe. There should be a lot less partying and craziness now that our week of pointless nothingness is over. That, and we already spent all our money on booze, so we really can't afford to go out and party in town.

I've been rather emo as of late, maybe it's part of the whole "homesickness" issue. Granted, I do miss home. But there's not much I can do, I can't exactly hop on a plane and fly across the Atlantic Ocean whenever I want. (Trust me, if I could, I totally would all the time.) I'm just going to have to wait for teleportation to get invented. And there's just the whole 'being on a break' with my ex/boyfriend. What does a 'break' even mean? Could someone enlighten me, please? Whatever. I'm quite sure he hates me now, so I'm just going to have to get over it and find some other diversion.

Like surf club. Yes, you're probably wondering: Surfing in northern Scotland?! ARE YOU CRAZY? Yeah, I am a little, to be honest. With wetsuits and all the gear the club provides, I'll be fine. Pfft. Freezing waters in the middle of the cold Scottish winter? NO BIGGIE! After that, I'll never be cold ever again. I'll come home to Connecticut, and be like: -3 degrees Celsius? Pfft! I'm wearing a t-shirt!

Now I'm listening to three of my flatmates' music. One is playing weird Spanish screamo; another Eminem; and the third, Madonna. It's very disorienting to hear them all at once.

Right, I need to go to the campus to get my timetable sorted, and go buy a sexy dress. Again: I need to focus my attention elsewhere, I'm in COLLEGE baby! I can't afford to be miserable!

Ciao!