Clarity

Honest to God, I'm in feminism mode. In fact, it's not even that I hate all men- I'm just incredibly fed up with them. I have no more patience left. Though, it's really not feminism. It's more independent mode.

Perhaps I just have terrible taste in men (this is a very likely possibility), and always chose the ones who hate/fear me. Or the ones who are constantly on their man period. Honestly- if you don't like me, make it clear. Don't ignore me some days, and be perfectly delightful for the next few. It's not normal, and it's not nice, either. I don't care if you're "shy", you're a twit. And I have no more patience for it.

It doesn't help that I'm growing really homesick and antsy. I think this is due to my growing case of insomnia, which isn't helped by the [insert rude plural noun here] that live on the bottom floor of our building, who believe it is perfectly acceptable to remain quiet until 3am only to ruin everyone else's sleep to play their shit music at full volume. Because of those [insert rude plural noun here], I haven't slept properly in... weeks? Ever? I need a holiday. Or maybe just a night in a hotel. But knowing my luck, I'd end up in a room next to a couple making lots of noise. Yeah. That would totally happen to me.

Teleportation needs to be invented/discovered. ASAP.

au revoir~

R&R

Good God.

Sometimes, I feel like my life is one long string of embarrassments. Granted, I'd only remember said moments because they have marked me profusely. Right now, I'm contemplating how to best proceed. Frankly, all the advice I'm getting is to just face my embarrassing situation head on.

However, that might work for someone far braver than myself. I avoid confrontation, because I'm not very good at thinking on my feet. I always make a fool of myself, even more so because I stutter/mess up my speech when I'm excited or nervous. It's painful to watch, let me tell you. But, obviously, I can't hide forever. Though I'm seriously contemplating... no, that's a lie. I'm not.

Today is just my R&R day. I think I'll go take a shower, then I think I might go do some laundry, then try to change the DVD playing region on my mac. I got a 1950's B/W horror movie and I'm DYING to watch it! Frankly, I find these DVD region things so bothersome, especially because I'm going to be going between two regions on a regular basis. Sigh. Oh my LIFE!

LATER

After my shower, I'm still bothered. But more so because I'm sick, and I don't think there's cough syrup at the Hillhead shop. MY THROAT FUCKING HURTS. I want cough syrup, and I am not in the mood to walk to the Spar shop. I'll wait and see when Barbara gets back from Turkey and see if she wants to come with me.

Feminism? Or Just Bitter?

I hate men. Boys. Young men. Males.

Honestly, how pathetic and selfish can they be? URGH! I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.

I can't even write more than several sentences, because I know if I do, I will launch into a long rant about how much I hate MANkind, and wish they'd all go to Mars or something. Or that I can go to Mars, and live my life in peace.

And I hate when people tell me 'Oh, you're too good for them anyway'. WTF is that supposed to mean? I always hear that- and I'm struggling to actually find someone who is 'good enough' for me, because apparently I have atrocious taste in the opposite gender. I get that to tell someone that they're too 'good' for the person who just shot them down is supposed to comfort them. But does that really change the fact that- oh, you just got shot down by a selfish male in the pursuit of some girl he can never possibly attain? No, it does not.

I need to go back to my feminism/singlehood mode. The mindset where nothing else matters, except having fun and not concerning myself with the stupid and trivial pursuits of the opposite gender. Everything will sort itself out, as it always does. Well, I hope so... anyway.

So self-esteem out the window. I'm at sub-ground zero here, and it's going to be a long process back up. Curses! List to self:

1. Boys are selfish and stupid. I must accept this, and stop hoping for a miracle.
2. Must ignore them. I have better things to do, like attack my GIANT psychology book. I have have two full chapters to read!
3. Become the greatest student that ever lived and put the rest to shame. (Must subsequently fight laziness and sloth-like tendencies).
4. Make baked goods but only give them to my female friends. SUCK ON THAT MOTHA FUCKA! Excuse me for that outburst...
5. Remain cool as a cucumber. Specifically like the one in the fridge that I really need to finish.

OK. I think I can stick to this. And as my flatmate put it: there are other bulls in the pasture. OK, that analogy doesn't exactly make sense out of context. Alas.

Stronger than Yesterday

So I fell in love with the Glee version of 'Stronger' by Britney Spears. The actor who plays Artie has an incredible voice, it kills me that he hardly ever gets the amount of solos he deserves. Same goes for the actor who plays Kurt. Anyway, I've felt myself connecting with the song, since I've been working on building my confidence.

I think it's going well, to be quite honest. I feel like I'm on top of the world! I haven't felt this way since... the early summer? And that was after a long spell of no self-esteem. Regardless, I'm not dwelling on the past. Gotta keep moving.

I think I've become the Martha Stuart of Hillhead Halls. Seriously. I've got one of my Belgian friends requesting that I cook him dinner sometime, and then the flat of boys who I made cookies for are requesting I make them a tart from their Jamie Oliver cook book. I've decided I'll do it, as long as they buy the ingredients.

LATER

So I went to their flat with Amy, because we were bored and had nothing better to do. The recipe sounds pretty easy- I think I can manage it. I was also instructed to watch the movie 300, because apparently I'm not educated enough in movies. It was a pretty good movie, but found it hard to take seriously (specifically with all the one liners).

Anyway, we've planned out our major Halloween bash, along with me coming up with menu ideas for the Thanksgiving feast I want to make. Apparently I should make pumpkin pie, according to the same person who thought I needed to see 300- I informed him that pumpkin pie is a weird color, and I'd rather make apple pie. But I suppose it couldn't hurt to give it a go...

No classes tomorrow- hurray for Wednesdays! We're going into town to look for Halloween decorations and such, because they sell out fast. The theme for the party is the Undead (at my request), but you can be an undead anything. I was thinking of being the Corpse Bride from the Tim Burton movie? I'm excited!

adios!

New Directions

After re-watching the Glee pilot of season 1 with my flatmate, I think I might have the idea of 'New Directions' in my mind. I just feel like, the more time I spend here, the more I feel myself changing. I don't know if this change is positive or not, but I can feel it going on.

In the town I grew up in, I had zero self esteem. If you weren't under a size 2, you pretty much felt like you weren't worth anything. If you were loud and shared your opinions, you were labeled weird. I still have incredibly low self esteem, because I constantly keep doing things that don't really improve it.

However, since I've been here, I've had multiple people remark to me my lack of self esteem. I never really noticed it before, rather, I never knew that other people actually picked up on it. Was it that apparent? Anyway, I've set my sights on something, and I really hope it'll work out. It scares me a bit though, because it'll require lots of self confidence, and setting my priorities straight. It requires me to choose between sticking with the past, or taking a chance on the future. A week ago, I'd say I want to stick with the past. But now? I think I'm running towards the future.

I can think of one person who I know will be upset with me, but frankly, I don't care anymore. This upsurge of esteem won't allow me to hold onto the past any longer. I need to get over it, and go!

Now I shall digress to another subject. The pajama party was madness. Two people ended up ill (one was my flatmate, so our apartment has reeked all weekend- it's much better now, though), and the rest of us (literally, the rest of us) were hopelessly drunk. It was incredibly fun though! I had a great time, and I met all the guys who lived in the flat it was at. Two of them are really good friends with two of my flatmates, so it was really only a matter of time before I met them. And I love those boys- they're so fun! There's the sarcastic/witty/grumpy one, the adorable/nice one, the quirky/funny one, and the Belgian one I knew already (he's great). And then, like us, they have that one flatmate that gets on their nerves- however, theirs is FAR more amusing than ours. He's this hilarious/strange guy from China, who made us an obscene amount of dumplings today, since I made them all cookies. Apparently he used up a kilogram of flour!!

With the boys and some of my flatmates, we went and did Quiz Night at the local pub. We were average the entire way through, until we ended up tying for first near the end! We ended up in second place, but we got a good lot of free drink vouchers which was AWESOME! We only lost my 1 point. Sad face. But I was so proud of myself, since I got the 'water moccasins' question right. At first I was like: Water shoes! Then I remembered someone telling me about a type of snake with that name, so I was like: IT'S A SNAKE! And I was right, and it was great!

Anyway, gotta rest up. I have psychology tomorrow at 11, then archeology directly afterwards and 12. If psychology runs late, I don't know what I'm going to do!

bye bye!

After a Well Needed Nap

God, I just have no patience when I'm tired.

I've been in constant exhaustion mode all day- since I barely ever sleep here. It's ridiculous. I go to sleep around 1-2am (usually in bed by 1am, but can't sleep for another hour), but wake up at 8 or 9. That should be a sufficient amount of sleep, but I'm just beat. I just can't keep up with my flatmates- they're like Energizer Bunnies or something!

We're headed out to the pajama party, and I'm just... sleepy. I don't really have much more to write. LOL. Had the worst shopping trip ever today- we got stuck in an atrocious downpour on our way to Morrison's to buy some food. And HOLY CRAP, my poor flats will never be the same again. They got soaked through and through! It was the worst walking around the store in them.

Urgh! Bye! LOL.

Insomnia

The internet on campus doesn’t seem to want to let me log onto blogger, so I’m just going to type this up as I sit in the Hub. I had Subway for lunch (since there was no point in me going back to Hillhead- I only have an hour off, and it takes 30 minutes to get there), and I’m just sitting here, biding my time. I have Archeology, then Vikings, and then another hour off before I have my first lecture of Ancient European history (yes!).

By turning down the brightness of my mac, and also just running only this Word-type program, I’ve been very efficient at preserving my battery’s life. It keeps fluctuating, but I’m quite positive it’s going to last me these three lectures. And I figure, by this afternoon, there’ll be less people in the Hub, and I’ll be able to get myself near a plug, and just hook it up.

Right now, I’m just incredibly bored. The Hub is only worth going to if you have friends/people to talk to. The only person near me is some guy on his mac (like me), listening to his headphones. Hardly encouraging for conversation, might I just say. I wish I didn’t have so many classes today, else I’d probably go out for a walk in Seaton. It’s gorgeous outside- for a change!

Of course it would be nice, the day I have the most lectures, and rainy/miserable the day before when I had my day off! Just my luck. Alas, apparently, Aberdeen is one of the sunniest places in Scotland, so other places must be REALLY miserable, because it rains all the time here. Though, I mustn’t complain, since I did choose to go here, as opposed to staying home and going to some expensive school in the US where I’d be forced to take ‘core’ classes on subjects I could not care less about (like sciences and math). Thank God I dodged that bullet.

Last night, I came upon a realization that deeply bothered me. Someone, I will not say who, had been going on about something for the longest time, and I had been absolutely sure they were wrong. In every way. Until last night, that is. I was lying in bed, listening to peaceful soundtrack music, in my attempt to fall asleep; when I realized it. They were right. And I was wrong. It's embarrassing to say the least, but... yeah. I hate admitting I'm wrong- blast being so stubborn!

After several drinks at the pub, and around midnight:

I miss the US, specifically when I hear from my friends at home, and when I go to Subway at the Hub. All the cheesy NYC decorations in there make me so homesick, especially when I recognize things. We watched Bridget Jones today, and I got all sad when Darcy flew to NYC, because I knew exactly where he was in JFK. LOL! How sad is that?! Whatever, I have a counter on my dashboard: 2 months, 2 weeks and 5 days until I fly home, and burst into tears at the first sight of my family/friends/pets. Happy tears, of course!

Going to a pajama party tomorrow- and then maybe a pirate one for Surf Club? Maybe? It's going to be... a crazy night. Thank God I don't have classes on Saturday!

Right, must fight my insomnia and go to sleep- hope the stupid boys on the first floor aren't blasting their music again. It's really annoying- at 1am, can you just shut up? PLEASE?!

bisous!